Education of a Cuckold: Coming October 15, 2013

education_cuckoldJason is a smart, handsome high school kid, but when he falls hard for Beth, he just can’t drum up enough confidence to bring their close friendship to the next level. Meanwhile he has to watch her date other guys. At the end of the summer before college, Jason finally discovers Beth’s secret: she is sexually voracious. He also makes an uncomfortable discovery about himself: he is too poorly endowed to ever satisfy a woman like Beth. But wait … watching her make it with other men is no small turn-on.

College brings more brutal lessons in humility, and Jason despairs of finding his place in the sexual universe. Then, as he begins his adult life, he meets Kristen and for the first time begins to take his extracurricular studies in submission seriously. Under Kristen’s cruel and compassionate tutelage, he learns exactly what it means to embrace his true cuckold nature.

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There is a Big Difference Between a Hot Wife and a Cuckoldress

Too often, I see the words hotwife and cuckoldress used interchangeably. Though there are times when the two both apply, when you dig into the words you find two very different views of female sexuality. As I see it, the cuckoldress view of female sexuality is more subversive and compelling, which is probably why I have been writing novels about it.

The one thing the two words have in common as that many couples have gotten into the “lifestyle” by swinging and/or open relationships. Essentially, swapping partners. Over time, a couple that is into the scene might center the activity around the woman, talking about her as a “hot wife,” or “slut wife.” The “hot wife” is generally a woman who has reclaimed her sexuality in a wilder form. So much so that she is probably a bit out of control.

In the heterosexual swinging world, a “hotwife” might post that she is “addicted to cock.” “Slutty” scenarios like gang bangs, sex with strangers and multiple partners might be fantasized about, if not acted on. For the most part, the “hot wife” is still sexually satisfied with her main partner, but they have both decided that their relationship will be mutually enhanced by sexual variety to meet the wife’s insatiable needs.

A cuckolding scenario can emerge from sexual swinging and sexual experimentation also. Sometimes, a “hot wife” can become a “cuckoldress.” Rarely, however, is the reverse true. “Cuckoldress” tends to be a destination identity, whereas “hot wife” can be a phase that leads to other end results. When a cuckoldress identity emerges from swinging, it is because the couple in question realizes that the wife not only needs other partners, but realizes through comparison that she is not sufficiently fulfilled by her spouse. Unlike the hot wife, the cuckoldress is not looking just for “more sex” but for “better sex.”

Often, though not always, the heterosexual cuckoldress comes to realize that the endowment of her partner is not satisfactory for her sexual fulfillment. This is not always the reason, sometimes stamina comes into play, or the impotence/sexual performance of the husband. But most often, when swinging does lead to cuckolding, the inadequate size of the spouse plays a major role in this outcome.

However, for the cuckoldress, the realization is less that she is an out-of-control, slutty wife. Rather she decides she has been famished for a caliber of sex she was lacking in her marriage, a type of sex she begins to feel she has a right to. Or at least a right to discuss openly with her partner. In my opinion, the indiscrimately “slutty hot wife” is (usually) more of a male fantasy.

The cuckoldress on the other hand is more of an authentic claiming of female sexual power, truer to how women think about sex in general. Instead of having sex indiscriminately with any stranger that comes along, the cuckoldress will carefully select the right compatible sexual partner and might keep that partner for some time. The cuckoldress doesn’t feel out of control sexually, rather she is exerting more control over sex – inside and outside of her marriage – than she ever has in the past.

The cuckoldress is more of a disruptive sexual archetype because a hot wife usually means the husband is projecting “slutty desires” onto the wife. The cuckoldress projects sexual inadequacy or lack of fulfillment back onto the husband for him to evaluate in the sexual mirror. Some cuckolds are highly aroused by such a dynamic, but many men are not ready to accept such a circumstance.

Of course, you could make the argument that most cuckold fantasies are created by men also. That is definitely true. However, I would argue that this is the case because societal values still place a taboo around not only cuckolding but the idea that women can be sexually ruthless, choosing spouses for stability while opting for a lover on the side that meets a deeper sexual requirement.

Women who are given the space and encouragement to explore these kinds of lifestyles often discover they are not as monogamous as they once saw themselves. They may desire familial stability, but if they can have their sexual cake and eat it too, they will. On their own terms. Not as insatiable sluts who spread for anyone, but as powerful sexual consumers.

So the cuckoldress almost reverses the “slut wife” dynamic. The cuckoldress is in total sexual control of her marriage – or in control up to the limits the two partners have agreed to. She loses control selectively in the presence of more sexually dominant partners who can tap into her submissiveness tendencies. Around her cuckold, who cannot make her feel sexually submissive, she acts much more dominant. She is hardly a slut, but a woman who knows exactly how to get her sexual needs met when she needs to. For the willing cuckold, he essentially becomes the slut in the relationship, constantly fantasizing about what his wife is doing with other men and also hoping and pining for the next time he is teased, denied, or humiliated for his own inadequacies. Often he will stroke off to these fantasies.

That’s why the hot wife relationship can sometimes have an element of hypocrisy, when deep down it’s the husband who craves losing sexual control to a wife who starts dictating the sexual terms. Of course, as I talked about last time, not all men are ready for this kind of transition, no matter how unfulfilling they are to their partners.

The goal of this post was NOT to over simplify the incredible variety of sexual relationships that are possible with an open mindset. Obviously there are plenty of exceptions to the rules I discussed here; maybe there are no rules. But since I’ve never seen the striking differences between these two terms explored, I thought it was about time. My novel (and my upcoming ones) centers on the cuckolding side where I personally find more taboo power and possibility.

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Are Cuckolds Losers?

There is a major theme running through cuckold message boards and “cuckold porn” that cuckolds are “losers” deserving of mockery by dominant women (and in some cases, dominant men). This is an issue that strikes close to home in my own writing. This topic is high stakes because the self-esteem of the cuckold is at stake. Most of us would agree that the fulfillment of a sexual fetish is not worth it if the end result is to live in a permanent state of self-loathing or self-denigration.

The reality is that cuckold relationships are similar to any other kind of relationship: there are healthy versions and less healthy versions. The same goes for fantasies. Some sexual fantasies allow us to live out aspects of our desires that are forbidden, giving us a cathartic kind of release. But too often, fantasies lead us down a road that feels more like addiction, where we are constantly chasing the next orgasm. Ultimately, the “health” of a situation can really only be decided upon by the participants.

But that’s not good enough for a blog nor does it hold water for a book. You have to make a judgment call rather than sit on the fence between points of view. When I wrote From Housewife to Cuckoldress for Fanny Press, one of the goals I had was to undermine the notion that cuckolds are losers – without dismissing the issues of sexual inferiority that many cuckolds not only grapple with, but are turned on by.

The book itself focuses on the female side of the relationship which is unusual for a book about cuckolding, typically first and foremost a male fantasy. Having said that, the male (Dan) in the novel goes through an evolution as well. In his case, his endowment is no longer satisfactory to his partner. This leads him into a confrontation with himself and some difficult realizations. Without giving too much away, there is a sort of emergence on his part, a realization that being a complete pushover is not attractive to a spouse, even to a cuckoldress.

Cuckolding and other sexual power games are sometimes translated into 24×7 lifestyles (such as the man constantly wearing a penis restrainment device, sometimes with a lock and a key carried by his partner). However, for many couples, the attraction of these types of power games is more intense if the man who submits sexually is dominant out of the bedroom. His submissiveness is more erotically charged if he is powerful at work and respected by colleagues. Little do they know of his secrets, his shortcomings, his forbidden desires to submit and see his wife pleasured by others in ways he cannot.

My view is that the healthier versions of cuckolding involve the man striving to be the best lover and companion/spouse he can be, perhaps channeling some of his sexual desires into other forms of accomplishment, such as professional achievement. Being a good father and, in a sense, a protector of the family what has committed to: these are qualities not out of reach of any cuckold. Often women prefer to sexually conquer someone who is a force to be reckoned with outside the bedroom. Simply berating a man who has lost all self respect due to his sexual insecurities is not necessarily very erotic. Many women have told me their biggest frustration with lovers with small penises is less about their size and more about their size insecurities paralyzing them sexually. Confidence is not something the cuckold has to forego.

Of course, in the book, the events don’t go smoothly for either of our characters. The husband Dan is thrown into sexual confusion when he realizes he is struggling to satisfy his wife sexually. As it turns out, Dan is like many cuckolds in that he is turned on by being made aware of his inadequacies by his wife, who essentially learns how to put him in his sexual place. Not all cuckolds are turned on by teasing and humiliation, nor are all cuckolds under-endowed. Nor is penis size always a key issue in a sexual relationship.

But disclaimers like these can get old. My goal was to tell a hot story that also shed some light into how women can find empowerment through cuckolding and how men who are in cuckold relationships can come to terms with their role and ultimately embrace it.

There is a very delicate line between the excitement/satisfaction of being put in one’s sexual place versus being called a loser. I wanted to push right along that edge because it is a fascinating place to write about. There’s a phrase worth considering called “sensual domination.” As I see it, “sensual domination” of a cuckold would be along the lines of the wife/partner lovingly explaining to the man he is sexually inadequate, but that this doesn’t change the love or commitment to the relationship. It just necessitates a new kind of sexual honesty which can lead in any number of directions, including the kind of real-life cuckolding I write about in explicit ways in the book.

There is a big difference between “I love you, but you can’t always please me sexually” versus “You are a worthless loser.” The former has some layers to it, and is delivered with some love as well as directness. In reality, it takes strength to face any kind of inadequacy, to accept it, and to embrace the implications. I would argue that those men who are able to do that are far stronger than those who live in perpetual denial of their flaws. Denial has a way of turning into anger and in some cases aggressive hostility. Cuckolding at its best takes the participants on a very different sexual journey, honoring womens’ sexual needs while at the same time blowing the roof off of assumptions on how a couple should interact sexually.

The best kind of acceptance turns into pride as we realize we each have a unique role to play, one that may not be easy but brings far greater rewards than conforming to poses that never fit us. Surprisingly enough, many cuckold men I have met feel relief after going through the kind of evolution Dan goes through in the book, because they no longer have to pretend like they are someone who they are not sexually. There is a power in finding your own identity.

It takes strength to submit or to share power. The cuckolds who are empowered by their lifestyle choice only submit to those they trust and who respect their choices. They might even choose to be called “losers” if that turns them on sexually, but the ground rules of the relationship are always respected. The real losers in this life are those of us who deny who we are, trying to force ourselves into vanilla lives that do not express our wonderfully freakish complexities. The rest of the rules are up to us.

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Why I Wrote “From Housewife to Cuckoldress”

Fanny Press has invited me to blog about cuckolding, and I’m taking them up it. Fanny Press is the publisher of my first novel about cuckolding, From Housewife to Cuckoldress. I figure this blog will give me a chance to share some excerpts that I haven’t yet published and dish on why I wrote the book in the first place. Writing a book is no small effort, so it’s a fair question to ask: why did I bother?

Cuckolding has many definitions we can argue about, but I find that kind of thing tiring. One thing I think we can agree on: fueled by the uncanny ability of the Internet to foster niche communities, the practice of cuckolding in all its variations is growing. While still a largely underground subculture, the awareness of cuckolding is creeping upward. It’s also safe to say that cuckolding is largely – at least to this point – driven by male fantasies. Cuckolding has a particularly jugular way of tapping into male sexual fantasies of submission, inferiority, inadequacy or even impotence.

That said, I’m especially interested in the female experience of cuckolding. So for my first novel, I wrote about cuckolding from a woman’s point of view. By telling the story of a sexually frustrated married woman who stumbles, if you will, into cuckolding, I was hoping to add a twist to the theme of female sexual empowerment. I also wanted to write some hot cuckold sex scenes. I’ve read a lot of cuckold fiction and very little of it has lived up to the best of my own experiences. While the sex in From Housewife to Cuckoldress is what you might call “best case scenario” sex – orgasms all around – I wanted it to be capture the special intensity that cuckold sex can have.

I have studied human sexuality for a couple of decades now. My own research has been sparked by a personal journey from what I now call “vanilla” relationships to much more open or experimental ones. These types of relationships are not for everyone, but for some of us, they are the only way forward. It’s like we reach a point where we know that “vanilla” is no longer a big enough container for our sexual expression. Vanilla in this context is not intended as an insult, it’s more like a shoe that, for some us anyway, just doesn’t fit.

Cuckolding is only one form of “beyond vanilla” sexuality, and within cuckolding there is tremendous variation as well. The cuckolding I write about in From Housewife to Cuckoldress is of a rarer kind that I particularly enjoy: cuckolding that is initiated by the woman. Of course, we know that woman cheat on their spouses almost as much as men- cheating is an equal opportunity epidemic. While it would be foolish to argue that cuckolding, or open relationships in general, can resolve all the issues that drive spouses to cheat, I do know that I’m personally fascinated by what happens when all sexual problems are brought up and addressed within the relationship, even when it involves bringing in other partners.

Of particular intrigue to me is the behavior of what I call “alpha females.” These are women who are at the top of the sexual food chain. Of course, many will object to this kind of thinking, preferring to think about sex as a democratic experience that all of us have access to. I will not argue that the democracy of sex is important to being human, except to point out that every high school dance across the country puts sexual winners and losers on display. There’s no question that “alpha females,” those women who are perceived as most desirable by men (and other women) have the most sexual options. As a result, their sexual choices shed light on what women’s ultimate preferences are when they have free range in their choices in partners and relationships. Of course, in most cultures, even today, women’s sexual choices have repercussions. But in a fictional world, there is room to explore them. From Housewife to Cuckoldress is about an erotic journey that such an “alpha woman” goes through.

Of course, it takes her a while. It takes her a while to realize that she is sexually unfulfilled. It takes her a while to admit to herself that her husband might be inadequate for her needs – a very taboo idea indeed. It takes her even longer to accept the reality that she has more sexual power in her marriage than her husband does. It is then up to her to decide if she will exercise that power solely for her own fulfillment or if she will take the health of her marriage into account. Since she can’t make an informed decision about these dilemmas without an awareness of what cuckolding is and how a wife might go about it, I introduce a wild female friend into the story who brings those ideas to light.

Then our alpha woman makes her choices. I think that’s a good stopping point for my first blog post, but I will return from time to time with more of my views on cuckolding and possibly book excerpts from future titles or unpublished writings. I am working on a new cuckolding novel as well, it’s very different than From Housewife to Cuckoldress; I’ll say more about that book as we go.

One final comment for my first post: a big thanks to Fanny Press for backing this kind of writing. They have shown a great deal of professionalism, bringing out the best in my work and getting it out to audiences. Their fresh approach to erotic book publishing is to be applauded.

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