There is a major theme running through cuckold message boards and “cuckold porn” that cuckolds are “losers” deserving of mockery by dominant women (and in some cases, dominant men). This is an issue that strikes close to home in my own writing. This topic is high stakes because the self-esteem of the cuckold is at stake. Most of us would agree that the fulfillment of a sexual fetish is not worth it if the end result is to live in a permanent state of self-loathing or self-denigration.
The reality is that cuckold relationships are similar to any other kind of relationship: there are healthy versions and less healthy versions. The same goes for fantasies. Some sexual fantasies allow us to live out aspects of our desires that are forbidden, giving us a cathartic kind of release. But too often, fantasies lead us down a road that feels more like addiction, where we are constantly chasing the next orgasm. Ultimately, the “health” of a situation can really only be decided upon by the participants.
But that’s not good enough for a blog nor does it hold water for a book. You have to make a judgment call rather than sit on the fence between points of view. When I wrote From Housewife to Cuckoldress for Fanny Press, one of the goals I had was to undermine the notion that cuckolds are losers – without dismissing the issues of sexual inferiority that many cuckolds not only grapple with, but are turned on by.
The book itself focuses on the female side of the relationship which is unusual for a book about cuckolding, typically first and foremost a male fantasy. Having said that, the male (Dan) in the novel goes through an evolution as well. In his case, his endowment is no longer satisfactory to his partner. This leads him into a confrontation with himself and some difficult realizations. Without giving too much away, there is a sort of emergence on his part, a realization that being a complete pushover is not attractive to a spouse, even to a cuckoldress.
Cuckolding and other sexual power games are sometimes translated into 24×7 lifestyles (such as the man constantly wearing a penis restrainment device, sometimes with a lock and a key carried by his partner). However, for many couples, the attraction of these types of power games is more intense if the man who submits sexually is dominant out of the bedroom. His submissiveness is more erotically charged if he is powerful at work and respected by colleagues. Little do they know of his secrets, his shortcomings, his forbidden desires to submit and see his wife pleasured by others in ways he cannot.
My view is that the healthier versions of cuckolding involve the man striving to be the best lover and companion/spouse he can be, perhaps channeling some of his sexual desires into other forms of accomplishment, such as professional achievement. Being a good father and, in a sense, a protector of the family what has committed to: these are qualities not out of reach of any cuckold. Often women prefer to sexually conquer someone who is a force to be reckoned with outside the bedroom. Simply berating a man who has lost all self respect due to his sexual insecurities is not necessarily very erotic. Many women have told me their biggest frustration with lovers with small penises is less about their size and more about their size insecurities paralyzing them sexually. Confidence is not something the cuckold has to forego.
Of course, in the book, the events don’t go smoothly for either of our characters. The husband Dan is thrown into sexual confusion when he realizes he is struggling to satisfy his wife sexually. As it turns out, Dan is like many cuckolds in that he is turned on by being made aware of his inadequacies by his wife, who essentially learns how to put him in his sexual place. Not all cuckolds are turned on by teasing and humiliation, nor are all cuckolds under-endowed. Nor is penis size always a key issue in a sexual relationship.
But disclaimers like these can get old. My goal was to tell a hot story that also shed some light into how women can find empowerment through cuckolding and how men who are in cuckold relationships can come to terms with their role and ultimately embrace it.
There is a very delicate line between the excitement/satisfaction of being put in one’s sexual place versus being called a loser. I wanted to push right along that edge because it is a fascinating place to write about. There’s a phrase worth considering called “sensual domination.” As I see it, “sensual domination” of a cuckold would be along the lines of the wife/partner lovingly explaining to the man he is sexually inadequate, but that this doesn’t change the love or commitment to the relationship. It just necessitates a new kind of sexual honesty which can lead in any number of directions, including the kind of real-life cuckolding I write about in explicit ways in the book.
There is a big difference between “I love you, but you can’t always please me sexually” versus “You are a worthless loser.” The former has some layers to it, and is delivered with some love as well as directness. In reality, it takes strength to face any kind of inadequacy, to accept it, and to embrace the implications. I would argue that those men who are able to do that are far stronger than those who live in perpetual denial of their flaws. Denial has a way of turning into anger and in some cases aggressive hostility. Cuckolding at its best takes the participants on a very different sexual journey, honoring womens’ sexual needs while at the same time blowing the roof off of assumptions on how a couple should interact sexually.
The best kind of acceptance turns into pride as we realize we each have a unique role to play, one that may not be easy but brings far greater rewards than conforming to poses that never fit us. Surprisingly enough, many cuckold men I have met feel relief after going through the kind of evolution Dan goes through in the book, because they no longer have to pretend like they are someone who they are not sexually. There is a power in finding your own identity.
It takes strength to submit or to share power. The cuckolds who are empowered by their lifestyle choice only submit to those they trust and who respect their choices. They might even choose to be called “losers” if that turns them on sexually, but the ground rules of the relationship are always respected. The real losers in this life are those of us who deny who we are, trying to force ourselves into vanilla lives that do not express our wonderfully freakish complexities. The rest of the rules are up to us.